You're Kidding Right?
by margaret aka whymelucylu
Summary: Everyone has a say on the next Rangeman 'mission.' BABE. no disrespect intended, but JOE IS DEAD...DEAL WITH IT OR DONT READ IT...GEEZ GET A GRIP AU
1. Chapter 1

"**You're kidding, Right?"**

The meeting took place as usual in Conference room # 3, since that was the biggest room for most of the crew.

**Stephanie looked around the table; noticing whom all was there and making sure everyone had a seat at the two tables in the room.**

With a nod of his wife's head, Ranger had the lights shut off and the big screen wall monitor was turned on, " in front of each of you guys is our new security detail, it's a project that while it will not add too much to our profits, it has nonetheless been inquired about as a goodwill gesture, from us to the folks of Trenton," Stephanie told the silent room.

**She laid out the assignment on the monitor, 'we have been asked to provide security for the next 24 hours for a funeral, from the funeral home, to the graveside services and stay four hours after said services are over with. Due to the person involved; the Mayor is possibly looking at a little bit of trouble, but not of the typical kind. We have the option in front of us, to either pass on the detail or accept it. _There should be no doubt on how I will vote,"_ Stephanie said with a snort.**

"**_Babe,"_ was heard coming from the head of the room, sitting behind his desk, Ranger looked at his love, and asked, "_You're kidding right?"_**

Laughter was heard throughout the room.

"**_Ranger, don't we want the job?"_ Stephanie asked with a twitch of a smile on her face, mischief clearly on her face.**

**Ranger cleared his throat, and after having the lights turned back on said to the room, "what will it be gentlemen, do we accept or not?"**

**Going around the room, each of the guys said their own point of view.**

"**Pass" on the job was heard from each of the men.**

**It was Ranger's turn finally to say what he thought.**

"_Babe, as much as I love you, there is no way for us to even think about being body guards, and keeping your Grandma away from Joe Morelli's funeral."_

A/N…. not mine.

For Cindy Lou who wanted a laugh.

**Did you laugh?**


	2. Chapter 2

Details.

Everyone had their list on them and watches were synchronized; it was a **"mission" **where **"failure was not an option"**, they were each on their own, but together, they would be formidable opponents.

"**Take no prisoners."** Was the motto of this core group the people assembled here.

Having had supplies snuck in the house earlier today, Edna and her posse' were ready to achieve their objective.

**Operation; View Morelli's Body and not get caught.**

It was downstairs at the morgue of the hospital still; and once again it **wasn't what you know**

**But**

**Rather**

**Who you know.**

Waiting until Frank and Helen retired for the night, Edna patted the blanket over the mannequin Betty had gotten from her granddaughter at the Local thrift store; throwing a wig of gray hair on her, was perfect.

In the morning, Helen would think she was still sleeping and once she checked on her; always left her alone for two hours exactly.

It gave her time to get out the ironing; these days she ironed a lot, after all it wasn't everyday you expected to hear something about your mother acting up; she needed an outlet besides cleaning.

Ever since Helen found out thru Frank that Rangeman **refused **the contract, no matter how much money was involved; she was just humiliated. Frank had explained it like this; **'there wasn't enough money in the world to have those men and Stephanie guard Edna Mauzr."**

"Let Grandma have some fun", is how Stephanie worded it, after all who knew when she would be up close and personal to another Italian Stallion in her lifetime?

Something was going to give the next day; Helen and Frank could both feel it in their bones.

It was like a storm brewing on the horizon, and no one was able to stop it.

Once Edna found out about Morelli's death, she was in a wonderful mood; and when the facts came out and she found out he died with Joyce Barnhardt riding him in the back seat of his pos issued car while on the job, Grandma damn near danced herself to a broken hip.

It came across the police scanner; and Grandma had her own, in her bedroom closet. She just happened to hear about it while getting ready for bed.

Picking up her cell phone; Edna called her posse and laid out what she wanted to do; everyone signed up for it right then and there, and a plan was born.

Hearing her son in law softly snoring, Edna tip toed down the stairs, her purse slung diagonal across her chest,

Opening the kitchen door, and softly closing it behind her, Edna heard the click of the lock, and smiling she had her shoes on in no time flat, and turned her small flash light on.

After navigating the lock on the back of the fence, she saw the car waiting for her a yard away, her ride was here, and it was time for **Stage 2 **on everyone's **Mission List.**

Buckling her seatbelt, she turned around to make sure her crew was all here; Betty had her grand daughters car, they would meet up with her at the hospital; Myrtle brought the camera, already loaded. And Dolly of the Clip and Curl fame, well dolly had the snacks.

Couldn't go to a viewing without snacks, right?

Edna said to them all **"Ladies, we're going to do this; and its gonna be good."**

Betty was so excited she peeled out, the tires spewing out a little bit of gravel as the car pulled out of the alley.

Stage 2 had just begun.

**A/N….hope smiles were had when you read this…especially for Cindy Lou and Jenio 1….both you gals are awesome.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Mission Accomplished.**_

Edna's Point of View; ~~~~

**After the girls and I got to the employee parking lot, Cindy Lou, Betty's granddaughter, met us. She was the key to us getting into the morgue; after all she was dating the security guard and would be our distraction.**

**The girls and I used some of 'army face paint' that showed up when Stephanie dropped off a package for me, damn my granddaughter is good, she even included some outfits to dress the 'hairy man' in, just like I asked her to.**

**I also got some more props from my bffs here with me; it was on like Donkey Kong, so to speak.**

**We busted out the basket of snacks, turned on the CD player and we formed a Congo line dancing around the morgue, who knew we had these moves?**

**And there he was….laid out in all his hair glory, a look of surprise on his face; he was buck ass naked under the sheet.**

**I opened up the bottle of Jim Beam, sat his ass up, and posed him with his remote control and the whiskey for one picture that is.**

**Jesus Christ I never saw so much hair…dolly helped me get some candid shots of him, I had him holding a green martini glass in one hand, and he had grabbed onto his 'stallion ' part just fine; that was the second or maybe third photo.**

**The look of surprise on his face was perfect, as his mouth had formed into a shape that was perfect for…**

**Frank's cigar was burning up, I had propped that up in his mouth as well, the pictures were going to be GLORIUS, if I do say so myself.**

**Betty busted out the outfits…even though rigor mortis was a bitch, we knew our time was limited…so we did what we had to do and blessed the fact that the extension cord was within reach of the wall plug in…we shaved that extra furry man, everywhere. Of course, I had to hold onto his 'package' while shaving his fur…and let me tell you, there really is no 'stallion'. I can put that rumor to rest right now.**

**We had posed the man in dresses, wigs, makeup, and gave him some kissable lips in Dolly's new lipstick called BLOW JOB RED…with fingernails and toe nail polish to match.**

**I think we got kinda carried away though as we heard a knee popping as we sat him up with his legs crossed; flashing everyone in that black leather mini-skirt.**

**Betty had brought the chex mix and some screwdrivers all ready made up, and the wake continued. **

**We each said something over his body, I kinda mumbled ' here's to the EX. HAIRY ITALIAN STALLION who was rode hard and put away like a streetwalker.' **

**Betty was sure to mention she was gonna 'write on the women's bathrooms all over town about his 'package' not meeting the Stallion Standards' and threw back her shot of whiskey. **

**Dolly just said 'you look better bald than with all that hair Joey'…our glasses clinked together and then it was back to picture time again.**

**I made sure for each of us to get our pictures taken with Joey, after all this was borderline epic, anyone who saw these pictures was gonna wish they were here; instead of elsewhere.**

**Leaving the makeup on, we covered up his smooth body with the sheet, and got our Asses out of there. Sweeping up all his hair was a bitch but damn it was fun, I can hardly wait to go to the funeral home today, lets see if the make up comes off, its supposed to last for 24 hours….hmmmm.**

**After dropping everyone else off, Betty took me to Rangeman where Stephanie and Ranger were waiting in the garage; she was laughing so hard that tears were running down her face when I told her all about the pictures.**

**Ranger had his own scanner for pictures already set up in the conference room; looks like there was a full house to see what we did…..**

**And out they came.**

**Morelli as a blonde, black leather everything from his bustier to his skirt to the thigh high hooker boots….**

**Damn that lipstick looked good on him.**

**I think everyone appreciated him sitting up with his martini glass in one hand and holding on to his 'package' the most.**

**Well, the one with the remote in one hand with his glass in the other hand, Stephanie appreciated as well.**

**Everyone was laughing pretty damn hard if you ask me. The smoke from the cigar blended nicely with the blue background we used.**

**Seeing the before and after pictures of him being hairy and then smooth as a baby's bottom skin was wonderful for morale around here as well.**

**Copies were made for Betty and I; after all we were women on a mission. And the first place to start was the telephone poles up and down Slater Street where he lived.**

**Then we were going to spread out, but I did call first dibs on the Church of the Immaculate Conception.**

**Everyone knew Angie and Bella would be there first thing this morning, right along with Helen, it was like a girls gossip section of the church…. lets see how they liked what they saw then.**

**And since I am home in bed, it wasn't me that did this.**

_**Did you laugh Jenio1 and Cindy Lou? This one is just for you.**_

_**A/N not mine.**_


	4. Chapter 4

Public knowledge

It was 3 am when Edna returned home; worn out but happy. Her and her girls decided not to use the pictures of Morelli with the remote or a drink in his hand. Instead they used the ones of him when he had hair, just with lipstick on.

She let out a chuckle of satisfaction with the photographs she still had in her possession; no doubt the phone will be ringing off the wall here shortly and it was best if she took her tired old body to bed while she could.

The morgue was a busy place each morning; the shift started at 5 am and didn't let up until the wee hours of the morning, Joann was having a hard time staying awake, her night of debauchery was slowing her down for sure. 'I'll never go out to karaoke again on a weeknight,' she thought to herself, although the 'man candy' caught her eye, and well, she did leave with a phone number or two before calling it a night.

Her roommate Cindy Lou worked the night shift so they rarely saw each other except in passing, but she did catch up with her this morning, and Cindy told her 'have a great day!' with a slap on her back.

Going towards the first cooler door, she checked the nametag of who the lucky person was the resided there, a J. Morelli. Just as she pulled him out of the cooler, she took a drink of her coffee, and as the sheet came back what she saw made her spew it all over the body.

For the body looked nothing like the picture in front of her, her job had her use to identify, not at all.

Instead of man with hair and a lot of it, she was looking at a man completely bald with no body hair whatsoever. On his sheet for distinguishing marks there was a tattoo mentioned as well as 'dense hair covering the corpse', but now the tattoo **was the only thing showing.**

And he had lipstick on as well.

Looking up at the time, and seeing the notes, Joann realized the funeral home would be here in less than an hour to claim the body and then she realized what Cindy Lou meant by telling her to have a good day.

What the fuck was she going to do?

Joann picked up her work pager and hit the number one button to get her boss down here pretty damn quick, then taking her cell phone she called Cindy Lou on the off chance she was still around, thankfully she answered her phone.

'Whaz up, my chili home slice?' came Cindy's usual slang.

'Get your ass down here, NOW, ' Joann was practically shaking in hysterics. Its one thing to hear all your life about the Morelli men and how handsome they were; but to see one up close and bald from head to toe, and wearing a hot looking red lipstick that was something else indeed.

He was reeking instead of the usual body odors and such; it was whiskey, 'what the hell happened here?' Joann was talking out loud.

Just then Cindy and her boss, Deanna came in together, all three knew each other from their younger days, and frequently went out as well, but now it was all business as the three friends looked on in horror at the naked, **hairless body of Joe Morelli.**

**Wearing Blow Job Red lipstick.**

**And nothing else.**

**What more could go wrong?**

Plenty it seems as the phone was ringing in the Plum Household at the awful hour of 530 in the morning, what could be on the other line, if not trouble?

Helen stumbled out of bed, and silently went down the stairs to the kitchen, trying like anything not to wake Frank up. He had just rolled over and went back to snoring when she got up out of bed, call it a mother's instinct but Helen could almost swear it was nothing but bad news.

Angie Morelli was on the phone, just making sure that Helen would be joining them for Mass that morning, she had already gotten a call from the church. It seems like the janitor found some pictures of her son, Joey, on the bulletin board. No details were given but the hysterical laughter was telling her something had happened and so Angie had a question for her best friend…

**Where exactly was Edna?**

Helen confirmed she would be picking up the Morelli women shortly, thanked her for calling and went to check up on Edna.

Opening her mother's door softly, she almost smiled at the sight, Edna was in bed, and her teeth were in the glass of cleaner sitting on the table right by the side of the bed.

Thankfully she let out a sigh, her mothers loud snores were enough to wake the dead sometimes so she hurriedly shut the door, trying to block out the chain saw noise. Edna always snored when she 'was extra tired' Helen thought to herself.

Which led Helen to question herself, 'what did mother do last night to get her **extra tired?'**

Edna was asleep when she checked on her in the middle of the night; but Helen couldn't remember if she saw the teeth in the glass or not. "Its not important, Mother was here all night long, and besides, what could she have to do with **Pictures of Morelli, anyway?'**

After taking her shower and dressing for the day, checking over her dark blue dress making sure it was suitable for the day spent with Angie and Bella, she woke up Frank for his morning routine and went downstairs to fix breakfast.

Frank was in a pretty good mood, he didn't have to fight Edna for the bathroom, and the coffee was perfect, just the way Helen made it each morning.

Another call came in, Angie was upset as the Funeral Home got a call not to come and get 'Joey's body' just yet, something about paperwork.

**What else could go wrong?**

Cindy was squirming in her seat, sitting in front of Joann and Deanna, she was trying to explain that her 'have a good day' meant just that. She was trying hard not to happy dance too much in front of her friends, but she did get a 'quick look' at her Grandma Betty's pictures before the trio left last night.

It was priceless for Cindy would never forget seeing Morelli in that black leather outfit flashing his 'package' at the camera, or the wig on his head, it was from the Marilyn Monroe collection at Dolly's Clip n Curl shop. The lipstick he had on, **Blow Job Red** was certainly hot looking as well.

Her body shaking with laughter, Cindy tried to steer the conversation to what Deanna was talking about, she had stalled the morgue into picking up their 'client' a couple hours later, saying that 'paperwork was lost' and in the meantime they needed to' get the lipstick off the best way they could."

Too bad the lipstick was **guaranteed to last 24 hours or your money back.**

Damn.

**A/N. not mine. Cindy Lou, Deanna and Joann are real gals. They are awesome.**

**P.s. if you have read any stories of mine; you know I have no love for Joe Morelli AT ALL…. so quit your nagging about how I treat him…its fan fiction people..Geez.**

**See you Monday.**


	5. Chapter 5

" **It won't come off !"**

Previously;

Too bad the lipstick was **guaranteed to last 24 hours or your money back.**

Damn.

**5:30 am.**

The girls leaped into action after Deanna shouted orders; Cindy started the hot water going in the industrial sink by the wall, she added liquid phisoderm soap to the mix, antibacterial you know, **besides the fact, no one wanted Morelli cooties.**

These three girls had grown up hearing about Tasty Pastry from the their mothers; and all three knew of Stephanie, and how Morelli assaulted her years ago.

And the legend that was the **babe **couple around town; even though they never met her, Stephanie was their role model.

So no one wanted to touch that man any more than necessary.

While Cindy was busy with the water, Joann came in with wipes for the lipstick, and some baby oil she had in her shower locker, often times the employees of the Trenton Hospital showered and changed before leaving their shift.

Deanna was just in charge, of the bathing of Morelli and her friends, she took her job seriously but looking at Cindy and Joann she told them both, **"drinks are on me tonight. What a day! "**

'Hell to the yeah,' Joann said, Cindy just cheeky grinned, she had snuck a photograph from her Grandma Betty, and it was like a time bomb in her back pocket, she was dying to show the girls what she had.

She picked out the hooker photograph of J. Morelli, he had on a blonde wig that was askew on his head, a black leather vest hanging open as well, his legs were crossed and encased in thigh high black leather boots, tied up in the front. A heel of about three inches, and in his hands, Morelli had his two favorite items; **the remote control, and a beer bottle.**

Joe also had on the famous lipstick he was now sporting for everyone to see, yep dear readers its called **Blow Job Red.**

But first things first; work then beer.

Scrubbing down morelli each of the girls made sure to have on gloves, as a matter of fact, they double gloved, since he had no hair to wash, his mouth and body got the main work out…the phisoderm soap left an odor behind; something that belonged in a hospital but at the same time it got rid of his whiskey fumes that were leaving a stench.

" **OMG. **It won't come off. **We are so screwed here, '** Deanna told them, for although the lipstick was fading, **the staying power of it lived up to the guarantee of lasting for 24 hours…**

**6:45 am.**

It was almost 7 am and they had been working on this particular person for an hour or so; the buzzer rang to let them know the undertakers had arrived.

Getting him dressed was another chore, for he was buck ass naked when they saw him, someone took his clothes as well. Joann went to the supply closet and came back with some white scrubs; since they were unisex it really didn't matter to them, alas! Morelli had no underwear on; what a damn shame.

His knee made an awful popping sound, the same knee the ladies before them bent for his photo opportunity.

The baby oil made his skin slick as a baby's butt; just like another advertisement they had seen on TV, besides the lipstick that is.

The contrast between the while scrub suit, and his olive (now patsy looking) skin and factor in his baldness and the **red lips** the girls didn't know where to look first to quit laughing…good thing the buzzer sounded when it did.

Trying to help the two men get Morelli moved onto their gurney was something all three girls had a hand in as he was slipping and Cindy had to yell, **" look out!" to everyone, when his head almost cracked open on the concrete floor.**

"**What the hell is on his lips? Morelli didn't look like that when he gave me a ticket last week, as a matter of fact that bastard had some hair on the top of his head." The attendant commented to the ladies.**

Like a domino effect, Cindy, Joann and Deanna all shrugged their shoulders, ' he was like that when we got around to him this morning,' Joann said.

Both Deanna and Cindy nodded their head vigorously in agreement.

"**What more can happen?' **Deanna asked the girls as they watched J. Morelli in his zipped up body bag, leave the morgue.

**7:15 am.**

Helen was getting ready to go get Angie for a ride to their morning mass service that started at 8 am. Usually they would be meeting up with some of the other ladies of their church group, but today was a somber day, today was the start of Joseph Morelli's wake, and Helen was being counted on to be a good support to her best friend.

Even though it didn't work out between Joe and Stephanie, Helen didn't complain, not when Stephanie had married her 'batman' in their elopement, and not when she talked to her daughter on the phone. Their mother daughter relationship had somehow survived with once a week calls, and her once a month making an appearance for a family dinner.

Alone.

Somehow Ranger always had 'business ' to attend to, he saw his father in law Frank elsewhere for meals, it just kept the peace and besides Ranger stayed out of the line of fire when Valerie and Albert were there.

The phone rang on the way out of the door; Angie got a call from the undertakers and needed her to come over their directly after mass, could Helen still take her?

Of course she could, that's what friends are for, especially best friends. Going back upstairs to check on Edna before she left; Helen gave a smile at her still snoring away, her teeth in the glass beside her bed.

All was right in the world.

**7:25 am.**

Edna heard the click of the front door, and scuttled over to the bathroom; now that Helen was out of the way, it wouldn't do to get caught in the crossfire when she returned home **from the drama,** she and her friends had caused.

Calling for a ride; she went to the one place that she couldn't be found; **Rangeman.**

Stephanie and Ranger had a room set aside for her Grandma in their apartment, besides the office for Ranger; they added on two more rooms out of the storage area, one for Grandma and one a nursery.

Their someday for a family was here, and no one was going to wreck this big event.

Edna fobbed her way into the apartment, seeing her granddaughter and husband at breakfast, and was laughing her ass off.

Stephanie took one look at her and said 'shit is hitting the fan, right?' Edna just nodded her head. Ranger's eye brow lifted as usual, without having to say a word; Edna told them both, 'well, I left a picture on the church bulletin board, and right about now your mother and Angie are seeing it. I think I better lay low for a while, if that's ok with you."

'You are always welcome here, Edna. Since you leave my men alone, never worry about not being welcome any time of the day or night. Stephanie went and bought you some clothes and personal items as well, so make yourself at home, for as long as you need or want to.' And with that, Ranger kissed his wife as he headed out to the fifth floor; even though it was a Sunday he needed to let the men know that calls were going to be coming in for Edna and he didn't want his grandmother- in-law stressing about them.

When Edna was worried, that got Stephanie worried, and anything that worried them both, someone else needed to worry about the mat time that would be happening.

**7:45 am.**

Frank had come home, content to have the newspaper, his ESPN on the big screen TV, and a cup of coffee beside his recliner.

He had peeked in on Edna to see how his day was going to go; and finding her out of the house, caused his face to crack a big ol' fat smile.

Perfect.

He unplugged the phone, and got settled in.

A few streets over, Helen got Angie into the car; " Joey's" death had hit Bella hard and she decided to stay in her bed, and wallow in her misery alone.

Helen and Angie pulled up to the church, and decided to see what the call was about Angie had received earlier from their Pastor.

Going into his office they found him pacing back and forth, when he saw them he became even more agitated and took Angie into his arms while guiding her to the small couch. 'Angie, err…. um I have something to show you and at am a loss for words, so perhaps I could just show you what was found on the bulletin board by the entry way…", Father Dorrier told the ladies.

Helen had sat down by Angie and took her hand, giving her moral support the best way she could. A feeling of dread came over Helen as she saw **Pictures in the Priest's hand;** Helen flashed back to see her mother in her bed, she was tucked in and snoring when she peeked during the night and this morning, so **it couldn't be Edna could it?**

Gingerly taking the pictures from Father Dorrier; Angie and Helen both gasped out loud, it was a nightmare and both couldn't help but saying out loud;

" **WHY ME?"**

A/N…. did you laugh?

Let me know….

Deanna, Cindy, and Joann are real ladies, as is the Dorrier in Father Dorrier.

Geez, thanks girls for letting me abuse your names…snort.

Ps. if you are going to gripe about me abusing Joe, you should know that's just how I roll. So get a grip and take your panties out of a bunch.

And DON'T READ, if you can't laugh.

**Thanks, Margaret**


	6. Chapter 6

**OMG, is that what I think it is?**

**7:55 am. Father Dorrier's office.**

**They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and what was in Angie Morelli's hand can only be described as horrific.**

**The picture was of her "Joey" with red lipstick, and not just any red lipstick either. It had to have come from somewhere, and Helen was thinking 'where have I seen this before?' at the same time that Angie was thinking 'why me?'**

**And both were wishing they were anyplace but where they were, 'you said there were other pictures, Father Dorrier, might I see them now?' Angie asked the priest.**

**The other two had 'Joey' with his head shaved, and one with a blonde wig on as well. All three had lipstick on though, but not one of them had him wearing clothes, except for the first one.**

**When he died, Morelli was wearing his favorite blue and white checked shirt that was a button down and in a pair of jeans, he was still in that in the picture, just with his lipstick on.**

**His face still had a stunned expression on it, while he was caught up in the throes of his orgasm when he died, it was still hysterical to see as it looked like he was talking at the same time he died.**

**What were his last words anyway?**

**If the ladies took time out to ask Joyce, they would have found out, morelli was screaming 'cupcake' over and over again. He was at the point in his life that everyone he bedded was his 'cupcake', so everyone from the hookers on the corner to even Joyce Barnhart was called that.**

**The gossip around town was numerous women were coming down either pregnant or with some kind of std, and all were customers of the Trenton Free Clinic and all had named Joe Morelli as their only sexual contact.**

**His estate was about to get noticed in the paper as claims of debt he owed for child support in the coming months. This was Angie's least nightmare, these pictures; she just didn't know it yet.**

**Helen took one of the pictures and noticed Morelli's mouth, and asked Angie in a whispered voice, 'what's in his mouth? Angie, is that something shiny in his mouth or not?'**

**Angie fainted right then and there, seeing what Helen was pointing at. Father Dorrier immediately went for the smelling salts in his secretary's desk; folks were always under stress at a time like this.**

**He didn't notice anything in Joseph's mouth he was too shocked at the lipstick to pay attention to anything else.**

**8am.**

**Edna had taken Stephanie into her room and whispered; 'I've got a secret but you can't tell a soul, baby girl, do you promise?'**

**Stephanie nodded, for her and her grandma kept each others secrets, ever since she was a little girl and she ran away from home, and over to Edna and Harry's house, telling her grandma about what trouble she had gotten into now.**

'**Well you see…' and Edna went on to explain that she had in her purse, the blow job red lipstick, it was hers for her and her sweetie Ernie, and it seems like she dropped the cap into his mouth from said lipstick, did Stephanie think "anyone would notice" after all it was a best seller, and well she was wearing gloves so nothing could firmly be pointed in her direction, right?**

_**At the morgue;**_

**Deanna and the ladies currently were watching the video of the hallway outside the morgue to see just 'who' was involved in this debacle of master proportions.' **

'**Nothing, we have nothing. No one coming in or out. Someone had to have gotten in here, although I cant remember when he was brought in.' even though the ladies didn't know Stephanie personally she had already went to her silent partner in crime, Hector and he took care of everything, what were friends for anyway? Everyone at Rangeman knew about Edna and her posse' being up to something at the morgue and since everyone's ass was safe from her wandering hands, all were game to watch it play out.**

'**I feel ill, and I called in the next shift to cover me,' Joann said. Her nerves were shot and she needed the chilled vodka in her freezer in the worst way. 'Well, I worked all night, so I am outta here too,' Cindy said to the girls, she was almost dancing in delight she was so happy to get the hell outta there and show her picture to the girls.**

**Cindy answered her cell phone before leaving with the girls, it was her best friend from high school that worked in the pharmacy over at the drug store also on Hamilton; 'Cindy, can you call my mom and tell her I will be late? We are swamped with prescriptions for the Valtrex and women are buying up the pregnancy tests like crazy, what is going on?'**

**She told her friend Jenio that Morelli got caught with his pants down with Joyce, and everyone was talking about how 'Joey' got around almost the tri state area with his wandering 'bob and boys'; filling her in on the fact Morelli was dead now, but the way she heard it, there was going to be a stampede for 'certain items'.**

**The girls talked for a while before getting off the phone, Jenio told Cindy about how Stephanie Manoso had to get a restraining order on Morelli just last month, he kept calling Rangeman to talk to her, showing up in the lobby at all hours, sometimes drunk and sometimes sober.**

**They hung up after Cindy told her she would call her mom, Jenio also told her that Joyce was raising holy hell cause she was the one in the back seat with Morelli when he died yelling 'cupcake', they all had a good laugh as Cindy had her on speakerphone the whole time.**

**Deanna took a personal day right then and there and forwarded all her calls to the next supervisor. She made plans to stop by Cindy Lou and Joann's townhouse after she went home and showered, each of them smelled like phisoderm and baby oil.**

**The ick factor was high and Deanna had a couple of bottles of Johnnie Walker Red Label to bring over anyways.**

**It was Miller time, baby!**

_**Scattered about Rangeman;**_

**And since Rangeman already had the contract for the security camera's and alarms at Trenton's hospital, all gathered around their personal monitors or on the break room flat screen and watched _just exactly what the ladies did._**

**It wasn't Morelli's arrogance that got him enemies, it was his belittling of Stephanie Manoso that got him that. Well, and plus the fact he was an egotistical son of a bitch with his 'why did you marry him?' about their boss, so all was fair in love and death as far as they were concerned.**

**Plus they saw, Edna was wearing Latex Gloves the whole time; she was prepared they had to give her props for that; at least.**

**The gasp was heard from the men, they saw the lid of Edna's lipstick in his mouth, and Tank wondered out loud, 'isn't that the color Stephanie uses for distractions?' being the ever observant man the second in command was.**

**Ranger just nodded his head and sighed. He had been doing a lot of that lately where Grandma was concerned but she was family and next to Stephanie, it was the only in-law he had really; well Frank too but Edna was the closest he would ever have as a mother in law, Helen didn't count for anything.**

**Silently they all wondered if it was going to be an open casket funeral or not, the lipstick didn't seem to be fading but who knows what Morelli looked like now; he was at the funeral home where the workers were trying their best to get him ready for his mothers private viewing coming up.**

**830 am**

**Found Angie coming around with the smelling salts under her nose, her feet were propped up as well and a cool washrag was on her forehead.**

'**Helen, what will I do? I can't believe someone would do this to 'Joey'. What will everyone say when they see him at the service, there is just no way I can have the open casket like I had planned on…' and Angie burst into tears, sobbing on Helen's shoulder.**

**And Helen just _knew_ who had done the trick to Morelli; now if she could only prove it. But then again, maybe not.**

**She had seen Edna with her own eyes in bed that night (never mind it was the mannequin with a wig on) and later on when she got up for the day.**

**Helen could only imagine what was coming their way next; there was just no way in hell they would stay for mass, the undertakers had called Angie _again_ and told her to bring the clothes for his burial.**

**Right now, Angie was looking at _cremation_ NOW as the best option for everyone concerned; she couldn't let Bella see her grandson _(never mind he was her favorite)_ dressed like that…..what if there were more pictures out there, somewhere in Trenton?**

A/N

_**Well, thoughts anyone?**_

_**Laughter?**_


	7. Chapter 7

**For The First Time…**

Since he started at this particular church, Father Dorrier was at a loss; he called in someone else, Father Lou to be here for Mass and the rest of the day, he was actually thinking about swilling down the wine 'for medicinal purposes' only you know. He winced when he saw the pictures, crossing himself numerous times at what one of his 'latent' parishioners looked like in drag.

Even though he rarely saw Joseph Morelli; he knew Angie quite well, especially from confession, she was a busy lady confessing just how much she hated seeing her son go from bed to bed, seeing him follow his old girlfriend like a freakin love sick fool, which he was.

Her son was never happy, and Angie confessed she didn't know how to get him some happy, did that make her a bad mother?

He had something else to show Angie and Helen as well, and holding out the flyer to them, he was hesitant but knew it had to be asked…

"**Do either of you ladies know anything about this?" he asked them, as he had a piece of paper in his had, slowly giving it to them, while cringing on the inside.**

**Bail Bondsmen** | **Bounty Hunters Needed Immediately. *See author's note below***

The Bail Enforcement Network has a limited number of positions  
available in the Midwest Region for Bail Bondmen and Bounty Hunters.

BEN Company Representatives travel throughout the region to trade shows,  
company functions, and various other appearances. This a permanent position within the company.  
Limited positions are available so serious inquiries only should  
call 555-xxx-xxxx

Compensation: Salary plus bonus

Principals only.

Willing to Train the right people for job

Must be willing to relocate at a moment's notice, surveillance work as well

Gun permit required.

Apply at **Plum Bail Bonds/Sebring Bonds office.**

The Flyer was posted on the bulletin board under "Joey's" picture, Father Dorrier explained to Helen and Angie, "did it mean anything to them?" there had been so many odd things since he arrived this morning that Father Dorrier just had to ask the ladies.

"Why yes it does, Father," Helen said with gritted teeth. "I know exactly what it means, turning to Angie she said softly, "cremation is the best way, Angie, as a matter of fact you should call NOW" holding onto the flyer, Edna came to Helen's mind.

**For Helen had seen the flyer all ready over town, it was in the window at the Clip-n-Curl where Edna went, at the Meat Market, as well as the Deli, seems like vinnie and Les Sebring were both looking for Bounty Hunters these days.**

**It also seemed like both the best friends were in tune with one another that morning as both were thinking 'if Stephanie didn't have that job, she would be home and married to Joseph right this very minute, having babies," and of course there was the thought of 'and Joey wouldn't have been with Joyce in the backseat of the car, deader than a freakin fish. Without the lipstick on.'**

**What neither one of the ladies were acknowledging was the fact that 'Joey" couldn't keep it in his pants and be faithful for even 48 hours straight. And he would have had the hookers and Terri and Joyce all on the side while being married to Stephanie Plum.**

**Angie looked up at Father Dorrier and said, "I want Joseph cremated as soon as possible," spittle flying out of Mrs. Morelli's mouth. "Lord only knows if _certain people_ make it to the funeral home before they do this, no telling what will happen."**

**Both the women crossed themselves at the same time, and both thought of Edna and Grandma Bella finding a way to raise the casket lid; like a bad premonition of the fact something was going to happen, Angie asked Helen, "where is Edna at right this very minute? We need to know _exactly_ where she is and if we can keep her there, if Bella or Edna find out we are having "Joey" cremated, Lord knows they will show up to see him off, and who knows what voodoo Bella will say, or if the lid to the coffin will be open. _Find out now, Helen."_**

**Helen immediately started dialing the house, it rang and rang and then it rang so many times that Helen felt her eye twitch coming on. That meant Frank unplugged the phone, which meant really that Edna wasn't at the house.**

**Instead, Edna was on the loose; she could show up at a minutes notice at the funeral home. **

**Before Angie and Helen could get Father Dorrier to come with them to get the mass said out loud as "Joey" burned, Edna and or Bella in her massive hysterical grief could show up for "one last look" at him.**

**What's next?**

**Frank was having a damn good time with the house being quiet, watching his favorite Sports reels; he even got to have his coffee in peace. Did Edna even cross his mind?**

**No.**

**He knew she was with Stephanie, ever chance she got; Edna called Rangeman to get a ride over there.**

**It was perfect, Helen muttered about 'mother never growing up, hanging with _those type of men"_ forgetting that Frank was in the Army himself. It was a win win as Helen stayed in the kitchen and out of his den, life was indeed good. He was so happy that rat bastard Morelli was dead; no more would he have to hear about his baby girl marrying him, the ick factor was high and Frank let Helen know all about her plotting would be for naught as Stephanie was happy right where she was.**

**Our three girls were just about passed out, all three of them had gotten a big kick out of the picture Cindy Lou had shown them, and the scanner slash printer had gotten a work out, each had a stack of them and had already finished with their own _"mission" to "out" _the hairy man all over town.**

**The bank windows.**

**Cars parked on the street.**

**Light poles.**

**Their favorite grocery store bulletin boards, you know the ones with the job listings to mow your grass, baby-sit.**

**If it was near an entrance or exit at the store, it now had a picture of Joe Morelli with his fire engine Blow Job Red Lipstick.**

**Deanna, Cindy Lou and Joann had taken the city map and split up the town into three of their own districts, hitting all the high traffic areas.**

**These three girls knew a good scandal, and for once they got to make it themselves, just a little bit bigger, "in their own way."**

**Let the fallout begin…**

**A/N the ad is real; it was posted on Craig's list for my state yesterday. Certain facts have been edited out, and some added in. But, since it's not mine anyway. Who really cares?**


	8. Chapter 8

_Grandma's Mission….._

"Babe, you're kidding right?" Carlos asked his wife. "You want us to take Edna and Grandma Bella to the funeral home, as soon as possible?"

**Stephanie said, 'no I can do this by myself, Grandma has it in her head that something is going to happen to Morelli's body and she NEEDS to be there, and well plus the fact Grandma Bella called her up and asked for a ride. It's important to both the Grandma's that they can say goodbye to that scum sucking pig of a man, Jesus Christ, I am so glad he is dead. To tell the truth it was hysterical about the pictures, and to find out that Bella and my Grandma are actually friends."**

"**Babe" was the reply. Sighing once again, Ranger pushed the speaker button to get the men's attention.**

"**I need a team of five, combat pay authorized, hazard pay as well. GRANDMA AND BABE DUTY" was all that was said. Before you could blink more than ten men were in his office.**

**It was standing room only, so the meeting went to the conference room that once was used to discuss other matters, and it was now called EDNA'S PLAYHOUSE.**

**Barking out orders, the men came to attention posthaste.**

"**Men, the job is such I am giving combat and hazard pay, I need five good strong men who don't flinch when the shit hits the fan. It includes Grandma and Grandma Bella, all those choosing to stay back, no hard feelings. It will POSSIBLY go FUBAR on us, but that's why we are THE BEST AT THESE MISSIONS." Ranger nodded and Babe took over.**

"**Ok guys, it's like this, we take Grandma over to get Bella. Head over to the funeral home where Morelli is, get the lid lifted (if there is a lid) so Bella can say her goodbyes and get the hell out. WHO IS WITH ME? Nothing can happen to either Grandma's especially not the one staying with us now," Stephanie told the men.**

**Hands were raised.**

**It was a given that Hector was going, he was Grandma's favorite and kept trying to fix him up with some hottie men at the senior center, and so far Hector had avoided that particular place.**

**Ram.**

**Cal.**

**Manny.**

**Woody.**

**And **

**Of course, the best one of all besides Ranger, Tank.**

**Lester and Bobby along with Hal and company would have the mics on and the cameras as well. Helen's car was already supplied with trackers, they were now activated.**

**It was a race, and it was on to see who could get to Morelli first.**

**Rangeman.**

**Or **

**The Ladies from Hell, I mean the Burg.**

**Helen and Angie were still talking about what they wanted Father Dorrier to say at the 'service' for her son. Angie would just have to tell Bella he was cremated on accident or something. The tongue lashing from Bella would be terrific if she knew that 'someone who shall remain nameless' had disfigured "Joey".**

**Angie wanted details, his navy career, him becoming a police officer she wrote it all out for Father Dorrier to say over 'Joey's' body.**

**Father Dorrier thought if she was going to be honest, it should include his molesting Stephanie Plum in the garage, and being a child pedophile and rapist for the tasty pastry.**

**Ah yes, Father Dorrier knew all about Joe Morelli and just because he was a catholic didn't mean a care to the priest. For what Morelli did to that sweet young girl, he actually should burn in hell.**

**So he argued for just saying 'go with God' and that was it.**

**It was time to get the show on the road, Helen couldn't find her mother, she had a feeling of dread come over her, the same that Angie did when she couldn't find Bella at home to answer the phone either.**

**The air was still, just like a storm was approaching, when Ranger and Tank picked up Grandma Bella from the Morelli home; she was already waiting on the porch for Edna to come and get her. Stephanie was riding along with her husband and the grandma's with Tank and Manny following close behind, Ram and Cal along with Woody had found the funeral home and secured it ahead of the ladies visiting. **

**Ranger sped thru the streets of Trenton, determined that nothing or no one was going to get in the way of Edna and Bella; come to think about it, it was a damn good send off for the man that had tormented his wife for all these years. Poetic justice having a heart attack while on the job getting serviced; but yet still stalking Stephanie.**

**Coming to a stop in the back entrance that was cleared of action, the men helped the ladies out, and proceeded to make their way into the crematory. Crossing herself when seeing her grandson in the white scrubs that Deanna and the girls had put on him was one thing; the blood red lipstick was something else. **

**Bella had come to understand that her 'Joey' just wasn't right in the head at all, he was being a man that was 'ripugnante' (see Authors Note below) to her very heart and soul.**

**Instead of fainting like everyone thought Bella would do, she did something no one expected, she dug around in her purse and pulled out her flower lapel pin she always wore to church and pinned in on her grandson, as a keepsake and plus she told Edna, '_it matched his lipstick is why_' she did that…and when Angie saw it she would know her mother in law was already here and gone, it was Angie that gave her the pin in the first place.**

**Time for the great escape.**

**Because parking out in front of the building, were Helen Plum and Angie Morelli along with Father Dorrier.**

**Lester and Bobby had been monitoring the tracker on Helen Plums car all this time, and Tank said 'ladies, it's time to move, we got company coming and not the friendly kind.'**

**Hurriedly the black SUV's barreled down the street, out of sight from the ladies and Father Dorrier who were just now entering the funeral home, there to see 'Joey' for the last time, before he was turned into ashes.**

"**STOP!" Stephanie yelled, seeing an 11x7 picture on the street light pole. 'Go back, what was that?'**

**A gasp went up from the car; it was a picture in color of 'Joey' with his lipstick on, for anyone who walked by to get a glimpse of. Bella started muttering to herself, "ripugnante' over and over again. Yep, the pictures found just happened to be in Joann's section of Trenton to cover, damn those girls are good, aren't they?**

**The car was silent as they drove Bella back to the Morelli home; no one knew what would happen next and Bella needed to lay down now that her last 'respects' were paid to her grandson. It didn't matter that there was no public viewing; she knew Angie would have a fit if anyone saw her 'Joey' laid out in drag, so to speak.**

**Father Dorrier, crossed him self, and murmured in Latin "Exuro in abyssus" which of course the ladies didn't understand; but Father Dorrier said 'burn in hell' over Morelli's body. **

**A sense of peace washed over them all, until Angie looked closer and saw Bella's trademark lapel pin she had given Bella years ago, 'she knows, Bella has been here already!" Angie shrieked in surprise.**

'**How can she do this to me? What will everyone say now that Bella knows how Joey was dressed, and he had lipstick on? I know if Bella was here, that Edna couldn't be far behind her, and then the Burg will know as well, what are we going to do? It couldn't get much worse could it, Helen" Angie asked her best friend.**

**The Director of the funeral home came down the stairs at that very minute, with a flyer in his hand, 'is this your son?' he asked Angie. "It was found in our mail slot and I thought he looked familiar."**

**Another flyer posted around town by the three girls. This time it was in Cindy Lou's section of Trenton.**

**Angie held onto Helen's arm as Father Dorrier, finished with his own little sermon over Morelli and he was wheeled out. The Director would be in touch when it was time to pick up "Joey's" ashes once and for all.**

**Wailing like a child who has lost their 'lovey' Angie was damn near inconsolable, not so much over his death; after all he died doing what Morelli men do, with other women, but the fact that the flyers were out and now she was being confronted by it, face to face.**

**Quick!**

**Angie needed to get to the store before others saw the pictures of her son, maybe she could have enough on hand to ride out the calls, and the visitors before having to step out and face life in the Burg again, what you think?**

**A/N. not mine. _Seems like I have ruffled a few cupcakes out there; why are you reading it, if you know I roll this way? Geez, get a grip PLEASE._**

**AU, very AU don't you think?**

**Ripugnante~~~Italian for disgusting.**

**Exuro in abyssus~~Latin meaning…burn in Hell.**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Mission Accomplished.**_

_Father Dorrier was astonished at his two parishioners; afraid of the gossip that was coming their way, were they not the two biggest gossips themselves in the Chambersburg area?_

_He thought so, and with a nod of his head to them, indicating he would walk back to the church, he left the ladies almost trotting off to Helen's car, eager to get the grocery shopping done for both the Morelli and the Plum household._

_Angie and Helen had put their phones on silent and sliding into the car front seat, both groaned as well, seeing their individual missed calls._

_Frank just had plugged in the phone and left a message not to forget his **Cannoli's at Tasty Pastry. **Frank also mentioned the phone would be unplugged, not to bother calling home and that Edna was already out of the house; she was also not answering her phone as Helen found out when she kept on hitting the redial button for her mother._

_Angie was dreading going home, knowing that Bella already had seen 'Joey's' body, for both Morelli women were fighting amongst themselves anyway._

_Bella was truly disgusted with Joseph's behavior, his arrogance thinking that Stephanie Manoso would leave her husband for **him?**_

_**Basta!** Enough of those foolish dreams and hopes, time to take the train to living in the NOW, is what Bella thought._

_Angie already thought 'Joey' walked on water, and like Helen Plum she as well blamed Stephanie for 'Joey's' reckless behavior with all these women now a days. A Morelli is a Morelli, no matter what. The father's behavior is the example for the son to follow, and both Anthony and Joseph were true Morelli Men. _

_Both were boozers._

_Both were womanizers._

_And both blamed someone else for every action they did themselves._

_**For ever action, there is an equal but opposite reaction.**_

_**Hell, just look at the tasty pastry incident, Morelli did something wrong indeed; he was a child pedophile who preyed on young Stephanie Michelle Plum; and the reaction was she ran his ass over with the Buick two years later.**_

_Call it **Karma.**_

_**Poetic Justice.**_

_**Payback.**_

_**Whatever you want to, but Morelli deserved that and more coming to him. **_

_**His death just hurried the finality of it all.**_

_That quote by Sir Isaac Newton is indeed what the Morelli boys should have thought of. For ever time they laid down with women of their own choosing, the reaction was either a child on the way, a STD either given or received by their said partner, or in Joe's case, his death._

_Helen **finally remembered **indeed (when she was thinking it over) on the way to the deli, just where she saw that lipstick tube from, and then all of a sudden when parking the car, she thought of Edna showing it to her when they were at the Mall, it was the make up counter at Macy's to be exact. And Edna got it for her honey of the week. Ernie. Bernie. Whatever his name was._

_Angie and Helen were walking inside the deli, in fact were in the entrance when they saw the bulletin board coming into view; Deanna had struck, for there was a sheet of paper with a color photograph, just like the Funeral Home Director gave them earlier._

_The whispers were coming fast and furious as the ladies almost had to push their way to the board to get the photo down._

'_Myrtle, did you see that color on his lips?'_

'_Why, he looks DEAD to me'_

'_What will Bella think now? She was already fed up with that boy.'_

'_Have to call the funeral home, see when the services are, cant miss that'_

_**Silence.**_

_It happened when the ladies and a few men saw Angie Morelli there, in and about the crowd. She heard it all and yanking the paper down; she managed to grab a grocery cart and along with Helen plum was racing to the counter to place her order for the food she needed ASAP._

_All of a sudden Angie could appreciate Helen being by her side, because she was living through the gossip of her son, as Helen had to live through the antics of her daughter, Stephanie._

_Two peas in a pod they were as they roamed the deli, stocking up on everything they thought their household would possibly need for the upcoming days…_

_And through all this drama, Edna was snoring in her bedroom, tucked inside the Rangeman Walls._

_Ranger had broken down and seeing his wife's blue eyes looking up at him with such longing, he gave in and placed the order for Pino's pizza for everyone on site, along with his usual salad._

_Even beer was provided if you didn't have to work._

_Their Mission had been successful; the pay went into the men's bank accounts that very day._

_And Joe Morelli burned; turning to ashes for his mother to come and get him one of these days._

_Whenever she plugged her phone back in and got the message that is._

_All in all the perfect day._

_**Wouldn't you say so, dear Reader?**_

_**A/n not mine….**_


End file.
